Beloved

I'm having a tough week.  The boys are both cutting at least one top tooth and one bottom tooth.  I really can't always tell how close the teeth are, but I know those two on each mouth for sure.  They also have snotty noses (which are getting better) and that cough that goes with it.  They sleep pretty well at night, but I hear them coughing and wake up.  And their naps have been hit-or-miss because Aidan usually wakes up crying 45 minutes after I lay him down.  Some days they eat well and some days they seem to not want much at all.  I'm sure it's not any worse than any other teething baby, I'm just at a mental wall with it all.  In October, I was invited to attend a new moms Bible study once a week (at a different church from the one we were attending).  I have loved it and made some sweet friends.  We started attending this other church at the start of the new year for many reasons.  But we've really enjoyed the sermons and the study the church is doing as a whole, so we've committed to going through this calendar year with them (they're doing a walk through the Bible, so we'll have read the entire thing by the end of the year, which I've never done before).  Yesterday, the women's ministry had a brunch for all the moms' small groups that meet during the week, including mine.  It was awesome.  Only one other girl from my group showed up, but I had a great time.  I left the boys in the childcare (which they have done great with) and got to have some adult time.  There were three speakers, just women who are part of the small groups and they were great.  The second two ladies really just gave their stories as examples of redemtion and healing in marriage and relationship with God.  The first lady really opened my eyes to a lot of things going on with me.  She explained how we have hopes and desires for our married life and that Satan whispers to us that we deserve those things.  When we listen to him, we take those hopes and desires and they become expectations.  That's how our view of marriage becomes to selfish.  But those expectations haven't even been voiced as hopes to our spouse.  And so they fail us without even knowing and we are devastated.  That's when we begin to say things like, "if he really loved me, he would ..." or "if he really cared about me, he would ...".  We have to be careful not to put our spouse up on a pedastal and expect perfection from them.  I think we also need to remember that our spouse is also married to (and dealing with) an imperfect human being.  We have our faults and so do they.  She read 1 Peter 5:5-7 and I was surprised by what it said : All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble."  Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.  If we are selfish and think ourselves above our spouse (or anyone else, for that matter) - proud - God opposes us.  It doesn't say if we're proud, we won't get the best.  It doesn't say if we proud, we won't get as many blessings.  It says God is against us.  That's very strong wording.  And I know that for me, I'm afraid of that submission that God always talks about because people can take advantage of submission.  With great power comes great responsibility.  And the truth of the matter is, I'm afraid that my husband won't always act responsibly with the knowledge that I am willing to submit to him.  (Andrew and I talked about this last night.)  And isn't it the same as my relationship with God?  And would I feel that way if I had never been hurt?  Probably not.  But I have.  It wasn't my husband who hurt me, so why do I aim that distrust at him?  I don't know.  I do know that I have to be forgiving so that I can trust again.  She talked about 1 Corinthians 13 and it again says that love is not proud and it keeps no record of wrongs.  That is really hard for me.  I think I've been coming to this for a while now, I just didn't see it in these terms.  It was an excellent morning.  And I wanted so badly to blog about it to share with all of you.  And then I got home and had a less than excellent day with the fusspot twins and got online and poked around facebook and other blogs and I'm so discouraged already.  I guess this is life, but so much of what I'm encountering is so wordly in thought and deed that it makes me sad.  I'm not sure I've experienced this before.  It makes me want to become a prayer warrior.  Maybe I will.  But here is my heart in the only song that I can find to express it:

Beloved, these are dangerous times.
You are weightless, like a leaf from the vine.
And the wind has blown you all over town
cause there is nothing holding you to the ground.
So now you would rather be
a slave again than free from the law.

Beloved, listen to Me. Don't believe all that you see.
And don't you ever let anyone tell you that
there's anything that you need but Me.

Beloved, these are perilous days,
and your culture is so sad in it's ways,
that you would listen to salesmen and theives
preaching other than the truth you've received.
Because they are telling lies
and they cannot circumcise your heart.

Beloved, listen to me. Don't believe all that you see.
And don't you ever let anyone tell you that
there's anything that you need but Me.

Beloved, there is nothing more.
No more blessings and no more reward
than the treasure of My body and blood
given freely to all daughters and sons.
~ Derek Webb