Formula

Last week was rough. I know the week before that was rough, too (my breakdown), so I guess this one was about the same. But it started and ended better! :)

Saturday night, Andrew and I went out for our 2 year anniversary dinner at Cheesecake Factory. It was nice to get out alone and have a nice dinner. The food was fantastic, as always, and the white chocolate raspberry truffle cheesecake was no exception. We went really early because we got flu shots at Walgreens first, so we were done around 5:45. We would have stayed at the Summit and walked around the stores to kill time, but it was raining. So we weren't even gone long enough for David and Sheila to have to give the babies bottles! But that was ok with us. We got up and made it to church early (!) on Sunday, but none of our friends were there to witness it because of the holiday weekend. Sunday night, my brother's wife Lindsay came down from Nashville and stayed until Tuesday afternoon to help me out. It was great to see her and have her help. She enjoyed her stay and getting to play with the boys - we were sad to see her go back home! I failed to get any pictures of her with anyone while she was here!! But we were kind of in crisis mode while she was here, too. The boys had started fussing at the breast and wanting to eat every hour and half again. I didn't think it was a growth spurt because of the fussiness. It turns out I had lost some of my milk supply. So I had to make a decision within a day or two about what I wanted to do about it. I knew it was possible to get the supply back up. But it would be costly. It would involve more of those marathon feeding days with no help for me. And I know that I don't eat or drink near enough on those days. Not to mention no resting or napping for me. I just didn't have the energy for that. It made me crazy to think about doing it. So I started supplementing. First we were giving small bottles after nursing sessions. But they started being 2 ounces and then 3 ounces (which is half of what they need in one nursing session). So I decided to nurse one baby and give the other a bottle at every session and alternate feeding method / baby every time. Well, holding a baby to the breast while holding a bottle in a second baby's mouth is rather a challenge. I couldn't get it to work very well with Aidan needing to burp every 10 minutes or so. Not to mention that Aidan still had a bad latch and was still making me sore. So after emailing and calling several people and calling my Mama probably 5 times a day, I decided to pump and do bottles only. I cried all day Wednesday trying to make peace with my decision. Peace finally came on Thursday when I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. I had not nursed in several feedings and was finally able to spend a day in the living room (and the rest of the house) instead of on my bed with the babies on the nursing pillow. I guess I was feeling smothered. I know in my heart that I could nurse much longer with just one baby. But exhaustion takes it's toll and you do what you have to do. Even the lactation consultant I've been seeing said it was best for all of us. My family's wellbeing is directly related to my health and sanity. We've come to the conclusion that I was not getting enough nutrition or water (and my bra was two sizes too small!! sorry, too much info) and with the babies not napping at the same times, I couldn't nap either. So now we are making bottles for every feeding - half formula, half breastmilk. And I will continue to pump until I run dry or until they are 6 months, whichever comes first. I have been happier and nicer and WAY less stressed since then. I can leave the house, even by myself, with bottles in hand. I can walk around the house during the day and the babies are back to 2 1/2 to 3 hours between feedings. I'm sad it didn't work out for us to continue, but I've done (and am doing) the best I can. That's all I can do. Even with the thrush and crazy growth spurts, I loved breastfeeding. I feel so blessed to have been able to do what I've done with my twin boys. I wouldn't have it any other way. And Aidan has gotten to be a fatty just like Jordan in only a matter of days!! Here they are - 11 weeks this Thursday.

Aidan in blue and Jordan in green